in the blink of an eye..

The month went by. Crew is a month old. I can't believe it. I simply can't. And as crazy as the month has been, as much as some moments have hurt and as hard as life is with a newborn, 2-year-old, 3 1/2-year-old and a 5-year-old I'm sad that the blink is over.  I am sad that I will most likely never experience those newborn snuggles that only a mother truly gets to experience. I will never enjoy the distinct sweet smell of MY child during those first weeks out of the womb.

Don't take me wrong. My heart is filled to the brim with joy and thankfulness. I have 4 darling children who are healthy and full of energy and who exhaust me every day. I guess my sadness comes from the part of my heart that right now, is doing exactly what I know I'm created to do. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE snuggling my babies. As hard as the rough nights are, I can handle them. As much as I like to have time to fix my hair or put on mascara for the day, I don't mind if I didn't get to it that day because I am doing what I love. Nurturing and caring for these children is what I dreamed of doing as a child. Some dream of being a doctor, an astronaut or a ballerina; all I've ever dreamed of was being a wife and mother. And the fact that at 26 years old, I will not be having another baby to love and relive that girlhood dream that has come true 4 times over for me, is a little sad.

I know just because my baby is no longer a newborn (he is still a newborn but he is changing all too quickly) doesn't mean that I'm no longer doing what I love. I get to nurture and love these children for the rest of my life BUT it does mean that they will only say silly things for so long and I will only experience first giggles once more and  this relationship that we currently have, the fact that I am the most important person in their life has an end point. Because they will grow up and I pray that they have the joy of finding a spouse and starting a family of their own.

On the bright side: Soon, our family will get to go on family bike-rides. We will be able to go on hikes. In a couple years, we'll probably even take a trip to Disneyland or go camping! I'll be cooking meals again in a year or two without a crying baby at my feet. Oh, and i might re-discover what this thing called sleep is. I am looking forward to another season of life, but please bear with me as I savor these baby stages. I may seem lazy at times while snuggling a sleeping baby but I'm really just trying to soak it up because you only live once and I'm living my dream right now! 

Crew Fenton Backholm

My water broke at 1:30 am on  Tuesday, April 24th. I was 38 weeks 2 days gestation in pregnancy. The  evening before I was having pre-labor contractions approximately every 5 minutes for about 3 hours and then they subsided. We had some friends over for a barbecue and enjoyed a warm Monday evening. I waited, wondering when I'd get to meet my little bundle. Upon my water breaking, I became excited. I had never entered labor by having my water break before. After Pike's speedy delivery, I thought for sure I'd have a baby within a few hours! Little did I know I was about to endure one of the longest days of my life! I called the midwives to report that my water broke and they advised me to get some rest and call if I began having contractions, otherwise to check back later that morning. I got a very little bit of rest because I was so excited.

 Stephen stayed home from work as we knew we'd be having a baby that day. We took the kids over to his parents (right across the street!) mid morning so that we could check in with the midwives. I began having contractions that morning but they were all over the place. 5 minutes apart for an hour and then jump to 15 minutes apart. Then back to 5 minutes, then 8 minutes. I was confused. I didn't know what to do. Pike's labor went so fast that I was nervous that if we weren't close to The Birth House, we might not make it. After heading closer to The Birth House and walking around for a bit and not having anything seem to get too intense or consistent, I decided we should just go home and get some things done while we wait for labor to progress.

We got home, got the kids, tucked them in for their nap and I decided to make individual fallen cakes to have that evening in celebration of a new baby. Upon making them, I began contracting every 4-5 minutes consistently for an hour. Stephen's mom came over to watch the kids so that we could go have this baby. We checked in at The Birth House and waited. I again, assumed that labor would progress quickly at this point. With Pike, it was only a couple of hours after contractions were at this point. Not so this time. We waited. We were bored. Contractions were slightly intense but I could still talk through them. Carolee checked to see where I was at and I was only at 3 cm at 2pm. Contractions were slightly intense but I could still talk through them. This continued for a few hours at this pace. Sometimes they'd slow down to every 7-8 minutes apart and then speed up to every 3 1/2.

Around 6 pm they started getting more intense. They were consistently every 3-4 minutes. I was tired. I was hot. I was starving! (I had only eaten a little bit because I was sure I'd have a baby before I'd get hungry.) I tried laboring in the tub but every time I did, contractions would slow down and I'd get really tired. Carolee checked me again to see my progress, I was dilated 6cm. Contractions became intense and I was so ready to be done. Stephen was a wonderful support but he too was tired and starving. I continued to pace through the contractions. I was so tired though that I'd sit in between or lean on the bed a sleep for a minute.

Finally around 9 pm I decided to prop myself up on pillows and I'd sleep, and then a contraction would come and I would moan through it and then sleep again for a brief moment. I had never been so tired. While propped on all fours and sleeping in between, I felt the urge to push but my body was not yet ready for Crew to emerge. With each contraction it took everything in me to push and not push at the same time. I decided I did not want to push this baby while on all fours. It just didn't feel right. I remember not knowing what to do. I just wanted to be done but I knew that it didn't feel right so I turned to my back and continued to strain through contractions until finally, Carolee helped stretch my cervix through a contraction (that was a miserable contraction!) enough that my body was ready. I pushed for approximately 30 minutes and little Crew emerged. He came out with his hand by his face. This is most likely why it took a lot longer this time than in previous times. He also came out with his cord loosely looped around his neck and he did a 180 degree turn upon popping out. All of this may have played a part in the slower progression.

 

Crew Fenton Backholm, 12 hours new.

 

Alas! 10:30 pm on April 24th, Crew had arrived. My baby was here and healthy. I was alive (though I doubted several times during the previous hours whether that would be true by the end) and healthy. No complications. No interventions. No medications. I felt great. Stephen got us some grub from Shari's. (Nothing else was open at 11:30pm.) Crew weighed in at 6lb 6oz and 19 1/2 inches long. We left the birth center at 1:30am Wednesday morning. Exactly 24 hours after my journey began with my water breaking. I got a couple hours of sleep and was greeted bright and early at 6am with Pike toddling in and saying in his highest, sweetest voice, "hi. hi. hi." and waving about 2 inches from Crews face. When the girls ran into our room minutes after Pike, it was love at first sight. Pear has been mesmerized and will never be the same. She will sit and stare for hours and then look up at me as if she is having the time of her life, just in awe of this little baby. Jovie loves to hold baby Crew and she is a proud big sister. Stephen and I are in awe all over again at the miracle of life and the love that comes with it. Who am I to be blessed with these children? God, give me the wisdom and the grace I need to raise them up to follow hard after you.

Pregnant.

I am pregnant. VERY pregnant. 34 1/2 weeks to be exact. Everyone always says how quickly everyone else's pregnancy goes but theirs' takes forever. Well, not for me. This pregnancy has gone by in a blink! I like some aspects of that. I like that I don't feel I've been miserably large forever and a day. I like that I don't have to wait too terribly long to meet this sweet little face. I don't like the fact that along with this pregnancy flying by, Pike has grown 8 months older, Jovie is 3 1/2 now and Pear is a smart little 5 year old. I guess I'd better seize the day, take some pictures and enjoy some snuggles and laughs with these precious kiddos because before I know it, 8 more months will have flown by!

Dodging bullets.

Today, I encountered one of my greatest fears. As a mother, you make many sacrifices. Today I made one that goes down in the books...for me anyways. To set the scene, I am 31 weeks pregnant. I have my hands full. Every outing is an adventure. While walking out of Target today, as usual, I had Pike in the cart, Jovie hanging onto one of my pockets and Pear hanging on the side of the cart. We looked both ways for cars and began to cross the street. Halfway through the intersection I felt a warm splat on my head and it went all the way down my arm. Yes, a stupid seagull got me and all because I couldn't dodge his bullet! I couldn't run and leave my kids stranded in the middle of the intersection.

So there I stood, disgusted with big white doo dripping down my arm. I looked down and saw that it managed to not only get my hair and my arm but also on my purse and the inside of my purse. At the car (after making a fool of myself by my frantic disgust) I pulled out the baby wipes and began to clean up but the baby wipe did not suffice cleaning my hair. Going through the drive-thru on our way home I noticed that somehow the doo even got in my wallet. This was massive bird doo. GROSS!

So, though you may have had reason to laugh in the past as I ducked or dodged away from birds EVERYWHERE, I am now justified for my fear. They have no social etiquette. And for some reason, my full head of hair must be a good target. And, as Pear told me when we got in the car, "mom, now we need to look both ways for cars and look up for birds when we cross the street."

Bored sleeping...

Jovie's disposition is so sweet and caring. She genuinely wants to help others out. She is tough and tries hard not to cry even when she's hurt. She is also sensitive, and sometimes when her feelings are hurt, she will cover her eyes with her hands and when she regains composure she'll say, "my eyes are just watering," or, "I was just doing that." She can be silly. She can be stubborn! Oh my, can she be stubborn. She is ticklish. She smiles with her eyes. She really is a joy! I am so glad that she is who she is and I delight in the fact that I get to nurture this beautiful little girl and watch her grow. The part of Jovie that is truly wearing on me as a parent though, is that Jovie gets bored doing just about everything. Jovie won't sit through a movie. She won't sit through a book. She can hardly even make it through a game. She has a hard time relaxing. She loves to work. She loves to do chores and be productive- which is great! But, sometimes, I just want her to be entertained. Jovie even gets bored sleeping! I am not kidding, there have been many times, in the middle of the night, that she walks into our room and says, "I can't sleep. Can I have water." She is tired. My kids do not get too much sleep. Jovie sometimes takes a 30 minute nap. She is usually asleep between 8:30-9:00pm and she is awake at 5:30am. You can't tell me she is getting too much sleep. She simply wakes up and rather than laying there and trying to go back to sleep, she gets up. Now, I will admit I am somewhat like this. I get bored easily. But not that easily. Stephen seems to think she is my mom's clone. If you don't know my mom, she doesn't know how to relax. She admits that is why she likes car rides and a simple drive into town- it forces her to relax! Yep, I think that's where Jovie gets it! At least I know she'll be a wonderful wife and mother someday, as my mom sure is! I guess a lack of laziness isn't such a bad thing.

Pictures

Jovie and her hot chocolate.

Pear with her hot chocolate.

Trevor & Livi with Jovie & Audrey.

Jovie & Pike snuggling & reading a book.

Enjoying a brisk day playing outside.

Jovie has a hard time smiling naturally. :)

I'm tired.

A lot has been going on. I am exhausted. Not just in the physical form of being tired, but mentally and just in general, I am exhausted.

Sleep- Ever since we transferred Pike to a big boy bed in mid November, I haven't slept through the night, nor has Pike, you might guess who's at fault here. On top of adjusting to a big boy bed and waking up and running down the hall at random hours of the night, Pike has broke 4 molars over the last 8 weeks. His darn teeth take their sweet time and cause us all grief. Oh, and besides not sleeping through the night, he wakes up between 4:30 and 5:30 every morning. Not only does he wake up at this awful hour of the day, he begs for breakfast at this hour. I hear friends say that their kids come in and snuggle and drift back to sleep at this hour. I've heard friends say that their kids wake up and play for a while in their crib. I've heard friends say that their kids wake up and cry for a while and then go back to sleep. No. Not here. I have learned to accept it and I can't wait for the day in a couple of years that I actually get to sleep through the night and sleep in until 7am! Oh, and another thing, my kids (including Pike) go to bed around 8pm. Jovie is usually the last to fall asleep and is often up until close to 9pm. If you do the math, consider that I'm awake most nights for 1-2 hours trying to get Pike to go back to sleep, I'm up by 5am and I usually don't go to bed until 10:30pm, I'm averaging 5 hours of sleep per night. I'm also pregnant and rarely have a chance to take a nap...there's no wonder I'm tired!

Mentally- I don't have to use my brain a whole lot at my job. Talking to kids, training kids, teaching the alphabet, basic math, counting and doing crafts doesn't wear me out too much. But there is something mentally wearing about being the constant go-to for all of these little whims coming from my children. "I'm hungry." "Mom! I need wiped!" "Can I have bubble gum?" "Num-num? Num-num?" "I'm bored." "Mom! I was playing with that first!" "Can we watch a movie?" "She took it from me!" "Pike's wrecking my tower!" I hear all of these phrases at least 5 times in a day. And there are many more. It's not that they are difficult to handle, it's simply that it is hard to have a focused train of thought when you are constantly interrupted and that is mentally exhausting.

And then there is my amazing husband. Stephen is such a hard worker. He comes home from his job, many days cooks dinner, plays with the kids for a bit and then works on his side jobs. And most days he manages to spend a little bit of time with me too! He really is amazing and I'm looking forward to all of his hard work to pay off in the years to come. That being said, I am exhausted by all of his hard work. I feel selfish saying so but it's the truth. He is my best friend and as such, I enjoy his company. Not only that, I don't get a ton of social interaction with adults, (other than with kids in tow and all of the above interruptions,) and so I depend on him to be my companion to talk to at the end of the day and when he is working so much, there is only so much talk that can squeeze into 15-30 minutes.

Stephen's parents are building their house across the street from us. His grandparents are building the house right next door to us. His parents should be moving in in a week or two. And his grandparents should be moving in in April. I am really excited about a lot of aspects of having them close by, (close babysitters are nice!) And I'm a little nervous about some aspects, (I'm not real outgoing and though I love people, I am not a "people" person.) Currently it's adding a little bit of chaos to my life (well, not really chaos, just a new phase) because along with all of the interruptions I have with the kids, I have been having random packages coming to the door. (Jovie now calls the UPS man the "Ding-Dong Man" because we sometimes get a couple of doorbell rings a day.) And then there are random bathroom needs as their bathrooms don't work yet and these things may or may not coincide with nap time, (which is my time to sit down and rest without kid interruptions.) None of these are big deals just little things that add to my crazy life. I am sure it will all mellow down a little when they are moved in.

Bottom line- I am blessed and tired!